Sundays

I love coming to Blogger on Sundays because of Post Secret. Even though I don't have many secrets, I still like reading the other peoples. I'm not sure why though. I guess I like the artsy postcards, sometimes the secrets really shock me and make me feel a lot better about myself :/ that's kinda sad to think I guess.

Well yesterday was an all day Q2Q. But apprently we got done early? SCORE, I still stayed til almost 5 because Dan was chit chatting with people. But that's ok, I enjoyed it. And When I got home I ran! I almost ran the entire trail! It's my goal to run it all the way. But It felt good and I'll start running more on nice days ^__^. Then I watched the beginning of 500 Days of Summer, but I wasn't able to finish it because Becky called me and asked if I wanted to come over and pick out our outfits for Hooverville! I was excited :). It was fun, we stopped by Mrs. Darlene's house and Mrs. Zimmerman's and they said we looked better than the actual Hooverville people XD. I can't wait to be in the background. It's gonna be hilarious XD. Then Veronica came over Becky's after work and I saw that she was talking to Dan. I like that Dan likes to help people. sigh, I just can't trust him as much as I thought I could. I'm sorry Dan I really want to, but I still have that "worried" feeling. I don't know how I can get rid of it.

I still wish I could talk about everything and yell at him about how I feel. I don't think I ever told him that. I still want to talk about it, but I think we waited too long. I don't think I'd have anything to say, I'd really have to think about it now since I've kinda tried to put it in the "forget about this" zone. It doesn't stay there though. I'm glad it doesn't. I want to remember.

Today's been a really pensive day. This whole week has been. I want a job more than anything right now. I'm gonna apply to Walgreens ^__^. Maybe I'll do well there.

caryatid

It's like trying to pull open a rosebud

Lately, I've been starting to catch up on my reading! After I finished Portrait of a Lady I read Things Held Dear, Downtown Owl, Blood and Chocolate, and now I'm reading The Lightning Thief. It feels good to get all my reading done :).I went to the Library and checked out six books. All about different things. The one I'm most excited to read is Dune. I feel like it's a mix between Star Wars and Lord of the Rings.

ANYWAY, today I woke up at 7:10 am ON A SATURDAY to do the dance for NYC. It's a really cute dance and I'm glad I'm in it, I just wish I were in other things too :P. The musical's coming along nicer than I thought. Although I hate the outfits XD We have to wear the "We're in the Money" outfits they used for 42nd street :P. It's ridiculous XD and we look like elves instead of Rockettes.

This past week has gone by fast. Every day at school we've had a delay, it's nicer that way a mon avis. French class is fun, we're reading Le Petit Prince. I LOVE IT. The drawings are funny XD. Nothing's been on my mind lately, like I can't think very well this week. sighsighsigh. I went to Zumba for the first time on Thursday and it was a blast! I went with Courtney and it's basically jumping around, shaking your butt, and dancing to hip hop music XD. I LOVED IT!

Tonight Veronica and I are having an old-fashioned sleepover ^___^. I haven't had an official sleepover in a while. Last time was with Casey during December? Gosh, I used to have them once a week. It's a little upsetting, but I don't miss it too too much. I just miss the entertainment. I feel like all my life is at the moment is college, schoolwork, hanging out with Dan, and the musical :P.

caryatid

I've got a thousand opinions

Listening to Kate Nash's "Mouthwash". Great song :). Anyway I found some quotes from The Portrait of a Lady that i really liked. I don't think they'd make much sense to someone who hasn't read the book yet, but I'm still putting them up here anyway. Seriously, go listen to Kate Nash's "Mouthwash" ^__^.

"The truth of things, their mutual relations, their meaning, and for the most part their horror, rose before her like an architectural vastness."
- I really like this simile because it's Henry James commenting on the experience of finally knowing the truth of things. We all go on about our lives without knowing the exact truth of everything. We're ignorant and naive. Everyone has a secret, and when you finally learn about that secret, it's like an "architectural vastness". Those two words are exactly how I feel when I learn the truth. THE EXACT WAY. I never had a word for it, but now I do. Thank you Henry James.

"It was a proof of strength--it was a proof that she should someday be happy again. it couldn't be that she was to live only to suffer; she was still young, after all, and a great many things might happen to her yet."
- This relates to the way I think of suffering because when a horrible thing happens, I try to be optimistic and think,"this won't last for long, I'll get over it and move on. I will have an amazing life." But the next quote that comes right after this is like a "BUT"

"Then she wondered if it were so vain and stupid to think well of herself. When had it ever been a guarantee to be valuable? Was not all history full of destruction of precious things?"
- I'm very doubting as well. I just liked how this came right after the quote above.

"Don't question your conscious so much, it will get out of tune like a strummed piano. Keep it for great occasions. Don't try so much to form your character--it's like trying to pull open a rosebud. Live as you like best and your character will form itself."
- Advice from Ralph to Isabel. This quote is like saying, "Don't try to hard" or "Just let the good times roll" or "Just be yourself." I personally like it because it's really great advice! And I liked the simile with the piano and rosebud :).

"Why should I be so afraid of not doing right? As if the it mattered to the world whether I did right or wrong!"
- I can be self-conscious, and sometimes I tell myself this just so I can get through something. I'm just always on edge about what people will think about me. I feel like I can relate to Isabel a lot..

"Jealously is a symptom of happiness"
-I think this to be completely true. At first I did not understand this quote at all. But jealously really is a symptom of happiness. If you're jealous of someone that's hanging around your boyfriend then you must be in love! And if you aren't jealous...then you probably aren't truly in love with them. When I first started dating Dan he would always ask me if I was jealous of anyone and I would always say "nope, I trust you". HA. Anyway, that started to change, and I became jealous of others. And this was around the time I first told him I love him. So I completely believe that jealousy is a symptom of happiness.

Looking at what I wrote and trying to explain why I chose these quote makes me DESPISE the way I write. I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT. I have these thoughts in my head that completely make sense, and when I try to get it out on paper or talk it out...it just doesn't work or sound the same way. UGH this is a huge problem of mine and it hasn't always been this way. I remember a time when I used to be AWESOME and I could speak beautifully. I have no idea what happened -_- sigh.

I've got nostalgic pavements
I've got familiar faces
I've got mixed up memories
and I've got favourite places

This is my face
I've got a thousand opinions
and not enough time to explain

This is my brain
it's tortuous analytical thoughts
make me go insane

caryatid

Valentine's Day

Last night was Melissa's party! I'm really glad I was able to go to it this year because I had missed her 16th birthday to go to the Hyatt with Paige, Catherine, and Brittany. Wow, it's kinda hard to believe that was all the way back in 2008. Good year. Kinda...The day after i got back from the Hyatt I planned on going skiing with the church. It was a blast! But when I got home...a few hours later Dave and my Mom got into a huge fight. It was screaming/yelling/crying/throwing...just really loud. I had to go to my room and Cary wasn't there. He was at Tyler's or something. But we all went to sleep and the next day I woke up and they were at it again. Then, he left. Packed up all his things, broke their wedding picture, and left. He barely said goodbye to me. I hate him. He broke my heart. And of course my mom's. Ha I had convinced myself it was all my Mom's fault when it happened :P. It wasn't, I just wanted someone to blame. Dave had left us lots of times before, I think the most was 5. But he always came back, the first 5 times I thought he wouldn't ever come back, but he always did. This time I convinced myself that he WOULD come back...I really wish I didn't, because he never did come back. He talked to me the first few months...barely. I guess it just hurt too much and then he stopped. And I haven't heard from him since. I really miss him. I don't know why this all came out on Valentines Day, but this is just what I was thinking of as I went to sleep last night. I think he did this right after Valentines Day. Even though I said I hate him, I really don't, I love him a lot still. And I just hate what he did.

Changing Subject. Well, I made Melissa this really cute card XD and everyone made fun of it...but for fun, like they were laughing with me...I hope. And after most everyone left, itw as just Brittany, Dakota, Amber, Alex, Melissa, Mandi, Jen, and I. We were like an Old Ladies Bookclub XD. It was hilarious!! I don't think we ever stopped laughing! Even throughout the Time Traveler's Wife we laughed XD. It was ridiculous but really really fun. I wish I could have stayed longer, but my mom wanted me home. I hope to hang out with everyone again sometime ^__^.

Well, for Valentines Day today I should be hanging out with Dan sometime...lol. I don't really know when yet. I wanted to this morning, but I was off schedule. I'm really happy I'm still with Dan. I love him so much! And anything he could ever do wouldn't change my mind. ^__^.

caryatid

Snow Week!

Dang we have off ALL WEEK LONG. This is good for me :D, I have a paper due whenever I get back to school that I have yet to start on XD. LOL. That's not funny...Anyway, today I decided to look up student life at MMC and what I found made me wanna go there even more! I really think that's where I should be :D I told my Mom that I have 2 friends that go there that went to KIHS and now that she knows people from my school are going there she feels better about it XD.
When I was younger I always dreamed of living in NYC but never thought it could ever happen. Now that I have the opportunity to, I feel so EXCITED. Right now I feel like I AM going to MMC come this fall! I know I'm not yet, but it just feels like it when I research the school :). And It feels good. Living there would give me so many more opportunities that I wouldn't have living anywhere else.
ANYWAY, this snow is starting to get realllll old. Especially since I don't have any snow clothes (IT NEVER SNOWS HERE!). My Grandad seems to think that Maryland is a really cold place to live and that we're used to this kind of snow XD He should know that isn't true since he lived in Virginia like forever XD. I guess he forgot. Old peopleeee lol.
Annie is gonna be SO BAD. With all these days off NYC practice has been canceled and it's apparenlty "The biggest part of the show" LAME FAIL SHIT FUCK ASS DICK BLAH. I hate the musical :P
Right now Dan and Jimmy are writing a story for Blogger? But I'm not allowed to read it -_-. DETERMINED TO FIND IT!

caryatid

Obsessed

Well, not exactly obsessed but I was a HUGE fan of this model, Gemma Ward. She was what I wanted to be when I was younger (as in middle school) and I wanted to look exactly like her, act exactly like her, and do what she does. I really just wished I was her. LOL Once I got into high school I just never really looked her up anymore in magazines, I kinda gave up on fashion because my family told me to give up on it, that it wasn't something I could actually succeed in. Now I know they were wrong, but it's already too late for me I think :P.
ANYWAY, so today I was like "HMM, I wonder what work Gemma's been doing lately" Come to find out she hasn't done anything since 2008! Because she was Heath Ledger's girlfriend and after he died she just stopped working, and gained some weight (I mean she looks healthy, just not modely anymore. yaknow?). It made me realize how much I've missed! I still know some things about fashion but NOTHING about the people behind it all. I'm gonna start working on that again XD. O! And I was trying on different outfits today that would look interesting together...I guess they would be considered "INDIE" but to me they're just cute! :D So imma wear em to school ASAP.
Damn all this snow, I was really looking forward to Valentines day but now we have school the day after? :P SUCKS. Anyway, whenever I look through a magazine or editorial, I always get inspired to start working on new outfits XD. I can't wait to buy loads of magazines once I have some moulaaa.

caryatid

Why do I do this to myself?

I need to stop. It only hurts, and I don't know what satisfaction it will give me. But I feel the need to be satisfied.
This is a really vague blog today. It's meant to be though. I don't feel like rewriting the past.

caryatid

Hmm..

I don't think I fully explained my story in the last blog. I wanted to say something about the friends I have right now; I do think that we will be friends beyond college (like Amber, Eric, Nic, Dan, Veronica, hopefully Derrick, Casey, etc..). But I was just talking about the past and how it has lead up to this moment in my life :).
Just thought I'd acknowledge that piece of information I left out ^_^

caryatid

Catching Up

It was really nice hanging out with Nic today. I feel like I really needed that, and I just love catching up with people. There was rarely a pause in the conversation XD We both had a lot to say and I miss that. Having someone you can tell everything to.
I was telling Dan the other night that I've never really had a long-time best friend. Like most people have friends that they've known since elementary school. For me, my friends have only been constant for at the most 4 years. I believe it went Jerrica, then Maddie, then Britt and Lily. I've had other friends along the way that I consider my best friends too, but these 4 were like my family. Now I rarely talk to any of them. I just really miss my girl nights where we could go out and do the stupidest things but have the best time :).
I don't think I feel any different from someone who's had a friend for their whole life, I just think it would be really nice to have that. Someone you can trust no matter what happens. That's what I give to my friends. I give them all my trust, I don't believe I have ever broken someone's trust before. People have broken mine, but if you're my friend and I love you...no matter what you do...even if you murder someone, or hurt me in the worst possible way you could, I'll always forgive you (never forget though). I don't think that makes me weak at all. I think it makes me stronger. It shows that I have faith in people, and most of the time that's what people need. Everyone needs someone that believes in them. And right now, I don't think I have that.
Thank you blog for making me realize what I need: someone that can believe and rely on me. <3

caryatid